Sometimes you have days when the progress you have made towards change stalls. Sometimes in fact, you take two steps back. It seems like all the work, the effort, and the change has been spoiled. But it hasn’t. This is just a hurdle, a challenge to try harder, to do better. I could look at everything as spoiled, or can see that it’s just a difficult transitional space. And this is how I chose to look at it. I will continue on towards change, towards progress. I am not a failure, I am human, and sometimes I falter. But I have a strong spirit, and I choose to follow it.
I am unfortunately one of those people who cannot stop once a bad thought has entered my mind. It multiplies and becomes like a circle of vultures picking at me and picking at me. It can be one of the hardest things to deal with. Today I had a very bad thought. But within moments, something silly, fun, happy even, entered my mind. The bad thought just didn’t have the power it used to.
I know it sounds like a small thing but this is a huge step for me. I’m really glad it’s happening.
Sometimes I can feel anger start to surface, like fire beneath my porcelain facade. Any minute I will be a disastrous, monstrous mess. Can I always control this feeling? No. Honestly, the few times I can feel like a miracle, and I doubt it’s my will alone that is stopping it. But sometimes I need music to help me.
What kinds of music could halt the dragon inside from flying forth and causing me and others pain? Sometimes it’s the angriest, most violent metal I know, or songs with mad lyrics that soothe the angry feeling. And sometimes it’s beautiful songs, happy songs, that lull the dragon into sleep, and ask the angel instead to come out and be happy. Either way, I’m glad I at least have this one thing.